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August 19, 2005 > Arts & Entertainment > Misfires make for flop-tastic summer

Misfires make for flop-tastic summer

By Jonathan Schumann | Thresher Editorial Staff

I often wish I were a Hollywood insider. Just think of the mysteries I could solve. What is the real cause of Lindsay Lohan’s shocking weight loss? What is the truth behind the Brad-Jen-Angelina triangle? Are Tom and Katie for real? (OK, maybe I don’t need to be an insider to figure that one out.)

I could also pinpoint the cause of Hollywood’s lackluster summer season. With what feels like more big-budget flops that any other year in recent memory, this summer has box office pundits scratching their heads.

It all started with the unexpected failure of Ridley Scott’s Kingdom of Heaven. With an eye-candy cast headed by that pointy-eared elf himself, Orlando Bloom, and a plot not dissimilar to Scott’s own Gladiator, the outlook was good. And then, without warning, nobody came. Maybe it was the tepid critical reaction. Maybe, although he is terribly nice to look at, Bloom simply doesn’t have the brawn to headline an epic.

Later in the summer, A Beautiful Mind’s Ron Howard and Russell Crowe re-teamed and tried to make Cinderella Man a success. Not only did it have Crowe and Renee Zellweger above the title, it also received the critical raves Kingdom of Heaven lacked. Surely this quality film, which I affectionately dub Fistbiscuit due to its underdog sports narrative and unabashed sentimentalism, would quell audiences’ restless desires. Nope. Opening with soft numbers that showed no inclination to climb, audiences simply were not biting. I contend that the film’s failure may be due, in part, to its depression-era setting. No one wants to see a film about people struggling in poverty during the present economic malaise. And that other boxing film, Million Dollar Baby — that just happened to win the Oscar for Best Picture — was still fresh in everyone’s mind.

Late summer brought the promise of an upturn with The Island and Stealth. The former came from the master of schlock, Michael Bay himself. The week before The Island’s opening, Bay bragged to the Los Angeles Times, “You know, I’ve never had a flop.” When the film opened with a resounding thud, all I could think about was Bay wallowing in his mansion, so distraught that tanning, brunches at The Ivy and nights of partying at the Roosevelt Hotel were out of the question. Poor him. Hubris can be such a bitch, can’t it?

Stealth, the first film starring Jamie Foxx since his Oscar win in March, may win the prize for worst plot of the summer. I only saw the preview, but from the looks of it the film is about a computer-engineered fighter jet that has no need for a pilot. Oh no! The fighter plane has a mind of its own! Oh no! There’s Josh Lucas’ name above the title! We’re all doomed! I guess this movie tried to combine the Orwellian dilemma of man versus machine with the hot uniforms from Top Gun. Audiences also got Jessica Biel in a bikini. Something for everyone, right?

I guess not. Stealth flopped, proving that the title for most valuable bimbo in Hollywood belongs to a different Jessica — Simpson. Her … um … stage presence helped Dukes of Hazzard defy all common sense and open big. It is amazing what a pair of Daisy Dukes can do for someone utterly devoid of acting talent.

So what has Hollywood learned from this flop-tastic summer? In my inexpert opinion, it seems that as hesitant as studios are to churn out original ideas, they may just have to take a risk on a new story. The success of Dukes and Tim Burton’s gleefully sadistic Charlie and the Chocolate Factory notwithstanding, re-makes came up short. Think about it. Kingdom of Heaven offered nothing Gladiator didn’t. Cinderella Man offered nothing Seabiscuit or Million Dollar Baby didn’t. Stealth offered nothing Top Gun didn’t. And The Island offered nothing The Rock, Con Air and the rest of the Michael Bay catalog didn’t.

I suggest that studio execs look for a new crop of pop culture-savvy writers to whip up a few original ideas. I hear college newspapers spawn a quick-witted batch.

Jonathan Schumann is a Baker College senior and arts and entertainment editor.

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