The Rice Thresher

Location: http://the.ricethresher.org/ae/2008/02/15/post_valentines_blues

February 15, 2008 > Arts & Entertainment > A&E heartpatch for those post-Valentine’s blues

A&E heartpatch for those post-Valentine’s blues

By Nikki Metzgar | Thresher Editorial Staff

Toni Braxton’s “Unbreak My Heart” blares in the background, a sadly undignified response to loneliness, and it’s just another Day-After Valentine’s. A day strewn with the wreckage of miscommunication, unequal expectations and unexpressed sentiments, what we really need on the highly anticipated DAV — as compared to the dreaded Valentine’s Day itself — is to plain ol’ pick ourselves up.

Here is where the entertainment industry swoops in, a silver needle in one of its cartoonish, white, Mickey Mouse hands and a little plaid patch in the other, ready to mend what is broken. Namely, thy heart.

But if the Toni Braxton wasn’t enough of an indication, not the hearts of men. No, on this DAV, men whose aspirations for love were stomped on by cruel, soulless lovers receive no sympathy. Because today those cruel, soulless lovers are our champions.

I love female villains because they make for excellent role models. To all those women who are feeling helpless, adrift at sea without a paddle, not having been asked out on a date for the big day, please stop. Look to Glenn Close from Fatal Attraction or Uma Thurman from Batman and Robin. They took what they wanted from the men that they wanted and then maimed them horribly.

Think of all the times a well-placed, “Well, what am I supposed to do? You won’t answer my calls, you change your number, I’m not going to be ignored!” a la Fatal Attraction would have sealed the deal and scared that weak-willed man into taking you on a movie date. Follow that up with some light stalking, a faked pregnancy and felony kidnapping and you, too, could have yourself a husband. Glenn died at the end of the movie — only after rising out of the bloody bathtub to frighten Michael Douglas one last time — so her code of conduct might not be the ideal paradigm. For one, Glenn could have considered the old adage, “You can catch more flies with honey than vinegar,” vinegar being terror tactics.

Uma’s Poison Ivy knew how to use her beauty as a weapon. Once a bookish nerd, Poison Ivy blossomed into a femme fatale after being crushed under a shelf of plant toxins. She completely disrupts a date auction by misting pheromones — a completely underutilized asset in real life — driving the men into a bidding frenzy over her. Her kiss kills men instantly, which doesn’t serve our purposes, though I think it’s worthwhile to interpret our own kisses as dangerously seductive in a less literally fatal light.

My favorite femme fatale has always been Xenia Onatopp from Goldeneye, played by Famke Janssen, who has a penchant for murdering lover-foes with her toned thighs. After luring Admiral Chuck into the sack aboard a yacht, she scratches and bites him before squeezing him to death between her legs. Truly, there is nothing like luring a man into an erotic situation and then taking his life from him right when he is expecting gratification. Sure, men might label you a “tease,” but that is only because they are afraid.

It is true that it’s a bad sign these villainous women are so highly sexualized, whereas male bad guys never are, but Xenia was a high ranking official in her nefarious crime organization, and Poison Ivy was first and foremost a scientist. So whether our strengths lie in our lips, thighs or, just as powerfully, our minds, the moral of this DAV is empowerment. And even for those grief-stricken men, there is consolation in the fact that your cruel lovers are not quite as bad as these particular characters.

Nikki Metzgar is a Baker College senior and arts & entertainment editor.

End of article

Back to top