Celeb alumnus Gonzales shames Rice norms

Many universities like to brag about their alumni, and Rice, with its comparatively small alumni base, has only so many famous graduates to draw from.

But if you want a Rice alumnus with real name recognition, look to former Attorney General Alberto Gonzales (Lovett ‘79). Gonzales was a commencement speaker, too — but that was back in 2004, when he was only White House Counsel and hadn’t quite made a name for himself. Given how this graduated Owl has come to the forefront of national attention — and given the timely announcement of his resignation on Aug. 27, the first day of classes — there are a few questions the Rice community might want to ask itself.

First and foremost, what did Alberto Gonzales learn at Rice, and how did he put his lessons to use?

Did Rice help him gain the stone-cold Texas cojones to respond “I don’t recall” to what seemed like every question in an extraordinary effort to stonewall Congressional investigators as he testified about the U.S. Attorneys scandal?

Maybe he gained the intellectual creativity necessary to help craft the current applications of the unitary executive theory and the infamous torture memo that seemed to declare the United States above the Geneva Convention and conventional notions of human rights.

Perhaps Rice taught Gonzales a reverence for history. That would explain why he took Richard Nixon’s statement that “when the President does it, it is not illegal” to new heights of subversion and reinterpretation of the Constitution.

Maybe the strategic thinking and political science training Gonzales received from, among others, Doc C, led him to allegedly remove scores of U.S. attorneys from their traditionally non-partisan positions so that they could be replaced by lackeys as part of Karl Rove’s plan for a “permanent Republican majority.”

However, Rice educations extend beyond the classroom. Maybe Gonzales learned his run-out-the-clock strategy of stalling as long as possible from playing on Rice intramural or college sports teams. Just think, a few semesters’ experience on the Lovett College flag football team — or, more likely, on the sidelines — and Gonzales now knows what it takes to provide cover for his higher-ups and slow the American people’s discovery of nefarious acts.

Of course I don’t allege that Gonzales’ Rice education led him to become the worst attorney general ever — I certainly hope there is no relationship in the slightest. In fact, Gonzales may just be living proof that even the best instruction can be used for something drastically different than that for which it was intended. But we should think about what it means for Rice when Gonzales — an apparently devoted public servant with a Hispanic Horatio Alger backstory turned crafty Bush lackey — is our most prominent alumnus.

Dan Henkoff is a Hanszen College sophomore.

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