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April 20, 2007 > Sports > Rice athletics needs scandal for true national success

Rice athletics needs scandal for true national success

By Evan Mintz | Thresher Editorial Staff

Rice sports suck, or so I hear. I wouldn’t really know, because attending games is inconvenient for me — like when they’re during precious cartoon-watching time. So I will admit that most of my sports knowledge comes from three places.

Video games: Fast thumb reflexes equal a victory.

Intramural softball: Cursing at the umpire gets you tossed out of games.

What I overhear from the sports desk: Stephen’s inane rants.

But every once in a while, I pick up on little tidbits of sports information, like the history of the Seattle Pilots, the 1986 Mets, and the fact that, apparently, Rice’s current baseball team is pretty good.

I had no idea that our baseball team was anything special. My only experience with them was pitcher/first baseman Joe Savery throwing parties in his room at Hanszen but not inviting anyone from the hall and pitcher Ryan Berry hitting on my girlfriend way back when.

And come to think of it, are they really anything special? They may have a great record. They may have some great players. They may pass their courses. But that only takes a team so far. As Rice learned at the beginning of the season, victory can be fleeting, and a few losses can turn a reputation of excellence into a supposed tolerance of mediocrity.

So this brings me on to another piece of sports trivia that I happen to know. If the baseball team wants to solidify its position among the sports greats, it needs to gain the mark of a truly successful team: horrible scandals.

Drugs, violence, sex: These are the signs of true champions. After all, a win is temporary, but a criminal record is forever… ish.

Just look at the Dallas Cowboys, Kobe Bryant or, the greatest example, O.J. Simpson. Only a handful of people would remember him for his Heisman, but commit double homicide (allegedly), and you’re a cultural icon. Just for the record, I am not recommending that anyone on the baseball team commit murder — O.J. was deemed innocent.

Even in professional baseball, last year’s steroid scandal sent modern-day greats rounding the bases to home, or at least to the House … of Representatives, that is. It may be nice to break a home run record, but making the congressional record for a violations hearing is something to really brag about.

So if the Rice baseball team wants to really take it to the big leagues, our players are going to have to make a few changes and learn some lessons from Maurice Clarett and those guys from Oklahoma. It could start off slow: Our newest pitcher could be an ex-con with torn-off sleeves. Or maybe one of the practice catchers could get in trouble with RUPD for providing alcohol to a minor at Pub. But to be really epic, that small charge had better turn into a trunk full of pot and a shotgun in the backseat.

Between now and playoffs, the team needs no fewer than two players caught for possession of cocaine, at least one sex scandal, and doping charges up and down the roster. Finally, enough with the articles about how Joe Savery is America’s sweetheart. From now on, he’s worthless until he gets caught with a dead stripper.

Sure it may be tough, it may be dangerous, it may be against everything that Rice stands for. But if our baseball team wants true recognition like those state school teams, or if the Owls want to make it to the big leagues, they are going to have to think outside the batter’s box and commit some felonies.

So when the team goes up to Omaha this year, let’s hope that is it part of high speed chase. That’s when we’ll know they’ve made it big.

— Evan Mintz is a Hanszen College junior and executive editor.

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